Author: Lurina

085: Split Body (𒐁-2) - The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere | Royal Road

"You're back," Ran said as she stepped towards us, while Anna seemed not to acknowledge our renewed presence at all. I noticed that she was holding the scouting golem she'd been using to assist us in her arms. "I was half expecting you to get rushed by a golem and have your faces clawed off in the last few minutes."

"We're a little tougher to kill then that," Seth said, the last word slurring a bit.

"You look like shit," Ran said, frowning at him.

"I feel like shit," Seth replied. He glanced around the area.

I did too, and now that we were a little closer, noticed that a few more people seemed to have made their way to the downstairs portion of the security center. It made sense, since this was where most of the amenities for its secondary role as a bunker were located - the food, the beds - and even with the current commitment to stay firmly within each other's lines of sight, it wasn't like we needed to stay huddled in a little circle.

Ezekiel was brooding on one of the few chairs in the corner, while Ophelia was resting in one of the little bunk-beds, seemingly asleep. Finally, Ptolema was sitting on the steps, but quickly stood and began approaching us as well.

One thing I noted was that Mehit, and the bodies of Yantho and Sacnicte brought down here earlier, were now absent. Ran had said the former had woken up, so...

"Oh. Oh god," Ptolema said, her eyes wide as she looked at Seth.

"Hey, Ema," he said weakly.

She walked over to him, her pace picking up as she went. At first I thought she was going to hug him, and judging by her posture that might've been her original intent. But instead, she stopped just in front of him, stared with a complicated, frustrated expression, then cautiously reached up a hand and slid the mask from his face. She looked at him like that for a moment, her expression shocked, then scowled suddenly, flinging her arm over his shoulder in a pseudo-affectionate gesture before thumping him in the chest.

"You--" Her voice cracked. "You fucking idiot!"

"U-uh, easy," he said, wincing a bit with an awkward smile. "I'm pretty fragile right now, y'know?"

"How the hell did you let this happen?" she demanded, looking up at him. "You had a million barriers! The whole thing was supposed to be safe! Did you run off and do something stupid?!"

"Actuuuually, it was sorta Zeno's fault?" Fang said. "She split the group up so Seth could gather up all the records the machine's been spitting out, and some of the original documentation. But then we found Hamilcar and he started throwing out some really crazy arcana, and the whole place kinda blew up, and things got kinda nuts, and--"

This didn't seem to soothe Ptolema, and she interrupted gritting her teeth at Seth. "You almost died for some parchment?"

"Important parchment," Kamrusepa interjected, raising a finger. She set the crate on the ground, along with Zeno's scepter. "Significant on a civilizational scale."

Ptolema turned to her, her face twisted in anger and distress. "Who cares!? That's sick!"

"Hey, calm down, okay?" Seth told her, putting his hand on her shoulder in turn. "Almost or not-almost, the important part is that I didn't die. And this--" he gestured over himself, "--might look bad, but it's mostly superficial shit."

"'Bad' doesn't come close to covering it! Half of your face looks like you jammed it in a grill!" she half-shouted.

Seth glanced towards us, his brow lowered. "Is it really that bad?"

"It's... rough," I said, glancing to the side awkwardly.

He sighed. "Great. And my good looks were the one thing I had going for me, too." He looked to Ptolema. "Well, it doesn't matter. Anything surface-level can be fixed by Biomancy nowadays. And the point is I stopped the internal damage before anything serious could happen."

"You're barely even standing up straight," she said, stepping back a little.

"Yeah, well, getting cooked by radiation takes a lot out of you," he said, along with an awkward laugh. "But I just need to lie down and maybe patch myself up a little bit more with Biomancy. I'll be okay. And we got the guy!" He made a stiff smile. "We won."

Ptolema averted her eyes. "That's... I..." She shook her head. "Gods, you're such an moron."

She turned, looking flustered, and stormed off. Though this was less of a dramatic gesture than she might've hoped, since the furthest she could go was the other side of the room.

Still, Seth went after her regardless. "Ema, wait," he said, his tone a little agitated.

They stepped away from our group. Fang looked amused, but Kam was still wearing a strangely serious expression.

"Wooh," Fang said, Fang said, after they were gone. "Those two are really straightforward, huh?"

"Not quite the term I would use, personally," Kam commented.

Ran looked to us. "Zeno gave us a summary of what happened."

I frowned. "She is here, then? Zeno?"

"Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure, at least. A little happened that I apparently missed, but it's not hard to read between the lines-- You'll see when you go upstairs." She looked over the three of us who remained once again, then stepped forward. "So. Want to give me the full story?"

Over the next few minutes, we gave a full accounting of what had happened since we'd set out, filling in the gaps from when she hadn't been listening to or observing us: Our initial detours to the eris tanks and the Order's induction chamber, our descent to the Apega and confrontation with Hamilcar, and finally our escape and discovery of the strange hidden chamber. She nodded along, listening closely.

"Weird," she said, as we approached the conclusion. "Well. Can you show me the books you found in this room?"

Kam offered hers up first, and Ran flipped through it, her brow quickly furrowing. Occasionally she paused, peering at some specific page or image.

"So," Kam asked, her brow quirked curiously. "You're about the closest our class has to a linguist, Ran. Do you recognize the text?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "...but it doesn't seem to be nonsense, either. There are clear patterns assembled in ways that are obviously consistent words and phrases. Like-- Look here." She turned the textbook over, showing a segment that seemed to be explaining the concept of gravity, with the classic image of a falling apple. "This part under the illustration uses the same text twice. And then it appears here as a subheading."

"Oh yeah," Fang said, squinting at it. "Good eye. Good eye."

"There's more than that too-- I'm pretty sure I can make out what might be the pronoun framework," Ran continued, passing it back to Kam. "...but you'd probably need an actual professional to actually get any actual information out of it, and probably weeks of work."

"The one I found was a picture book," I said, holding it up. "Maybe it'll be easier to make some sense of?"

"I doubt it," she said. "But I'll take a look."

I passed it to her, and she paused for a moment, her eyes fixed on the front cover with an understandably uneasy expression. After a little while, though, she folded it open and began to slowly make her way through, taking her time to examine the illustrations. Meanwhile, Kam seemed to be taking another look at her 'own' book, probably trying to identify the patterns Ran had noted herself.

"This is kinda creepy," Ran said, after a few moments.

"Mm," I said, nodding. "I wasn't really sure what to make of the, uh. Imagery."

She squinted. "I'm pretty sure it's a mythological reference. Doesn't really seem appropriate for a kids book, though."

I blinked. "It's from mythology?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Or at least, it's the only place I've seen something like this depicted before - a person with double limbs and two heads, I mean." She continued flipping through it as she spoke to me. "It's an Inotian story from late in the Old Kingdoms Era. It goes that originally, there weren't men and women, but just one unified type of human being that were immortal and didn't need to to reproduce. The specifics of it are kinda a mix. Sometimes they were shapeshifters, sometimes-- Well, more like it's depicted here." She gestured to the illustration. "In this version, the king of the gods was afraid of this version of humanity, so he used lightning to split them down the middle. And so everyone spends their life in search of their other half, so they can be complete again."

"Huh," I said. "That's... Conceptually romantic, I guess."

I didn't actually think it was romantic. It just seemed weird.

"Rather lends to some grotesque implications," Kamrusepa chimed in. "Even putting aside the regressive historical applications of the concept of pre-ordained love, it would imply quite literally that every successful relationship is quite literally a case of-- Well, let's say autosexual behavior."

"I knew you'd take it in some weird way, Kam," Fang said.

She gave a flat look in response.

"Like I said, it's a really old myth, and not even a popular one," Ran said. "I have less than no idea why someone would think to use it as the basis for a kids book. Though that's not even close to the biggest question here."

"You said we ought to ask Anna about this, didn't you?" I asked.

"Mm," she hummed, nodding, and turned. "Grandmaster, do you know anything about a hidden library in the underground near here?"

"No," she replied bluntly, even by her standards. "It's as I told your friend earlier; this sanctuary is filled with spaces belonging to specific members of our Order from over the decades. I am long past trying to keep an accounting of all of them."

I couldn't see her face as she spoke the words. She seemed intensely at work.

Ran exhaled softly. "...well, we can revisit this later." She looked back in our direction. "Now that you're back, you should all come upstairs. Some stuff has happened since you were gone, and Linos made some plans about what we might do next."

"What sort of plans?" I asked.

"It's to do with this thing," she said, holding up the small golem. "Since the concept's been proven, he was thinking of using it to try and scout out what happened to Samium."

I shifted uncomfortably.

"Since you told me that you couldn't get any information from Hamilcar, there was also talk of maybe gathering up everyone's weapons in one place," Ran continued.

"I'm not giving up my scepter," Kam said, strangely defensively.

Ran blinked, seeming a little taken aback by this. "I don't know if it includes scepters. He was only talking about rifles before-- Anyway, you should talk to him about it. It's not even my idea." She hesitated. "There's also... Another development you should probably see, too."

"Is this like, a mandatory thing?" Fang asked. "I was kinda wanting to sit and look over some things, now that we're back. If that's not gonna be, well. A problem."

Ran shrugged. "I mean, Seth is already kinda preoccupied and is probably going to end up resting anyway, so... It probably doesn't matter if you just stay down here and hear about what we're doing later."

"Great." They gave a thumbs up. "I'll catch you guys in a bit, then."

Kam and I turned to follow Ran up to the upper part of the security center. However, just as we approached the steps, a voice suddenly stopped us.

"Tell me," Anna spoke, not turning to look towards us. "Did Hamilcar say anything? Before you fought?"

I was too slow to process this, so Kamrusepa answered first. "Not anything of substance, exalted mistress. Merely some errata concerning his personal life, and a few vagaries about how he had come to realize the pursuit of eternal life was pointless. And his confession, of course."

She grunted, seeming dissatisfied with this response. "...and you, girl? Do you recall anything else?" she asked, obviously directing the question towards me. "I seem to recall that you are supposed to have something of a good memory."

I hesitated. "He, um... I remember he asked Zeno if he really wanted to 'continue this farce', even though we were being 'judged'."

Anna was silent for a moment. "...I see," she eventually said. "And you confirmed his death?"

"Well, Zeno did," I said. "...but I thought you heard about that already."

"Mm," she hummed furtively. "Get back to what you're doing."

With none of us really sure what to make of that, we continued up the stairs.

Linos and Theo were sitting by the logic bridge as I'd expected, with the former smiling warmly upon our arrival. But there was another sight in the room that took me a little more off guard.

Mehit, who true to Ran's description had woken up, was unexpectedly sitting next to her daughter, who was still in the same position as earlier, curled up against the wall. But this was the lesser of two surprises. More shocking was the fact that they were talking and, from what I could tell, seemed to be having a completely normal conversation. Mehit was holding a sketchbook in front of her daughter, a complicated smile upon her face.

She was still visibly drained looking, with a little blood still showing on the bandages around her stomach.

"I don't like that one," Lilith said, looking at "It's bad."

"I think it's very pretty," Mehit said, her tone soothing.

"The color is bad. It's bad, it's all wrong," Lilith insisted. "A daffodil's yellow is supposed to be strongest and purest in any flower. It came out too orange, like a sunflower. I used-- I used too much white in the paint. And the color is too universal. It looks fake."

"It's striking," Mehit said. "I think you did a very good job with the shift in color towards the middle of the flower--"

"Stigma," Lilith interrupted.

"--and the details of the folds on the petals are incredible. I can't even begin to get my head around how you visualize it all."

"The proportions don't. They don't work at all. Look at the way the shadows on the right petals came out It's amateur art. Ugly." She grimaced. "I want to burn it."

They're having... A casual conversation?

Kamrusepa looked a little bemused by this too, her lips twisting in incredulity. However, we were quickly both distracted.

"Ah, Utsu, Kam!" Linos called out with relief as we appeared from up the stairs. "I'm so glad to see you all back safely."

Theo smiled weakly at us from where he was sitting, but seemed in a subdued mood again.

"It was a little more touch and go than I might've liked, but yes," Kam said, "though it's a rather macabre affair. I dare say we do not deserve a hero's welcome for the death of a man, regardless of how grave a business he was party to."

Sadness crept into Linos's expression. "Yes. It truly is a terrible shame, and deeply strange." He looked towards the ground, his eyes troubled. "I can't say I was particularly close to Hamilcar, even professionally - we worked on very different projects - but still, I only ever knew him as a gentle, rationally-minded man... The opposite of the sort you'd expect to pass judgement on others, even in a casual context."

"It's always a shock, to realize someone you know is not as they seemed," Kam mused dourly, stepping further into the room and taking a seat. "The human mind is as a vault of stone. None of us may ever truly know what's going on in someone else's head."

I glanced at Ran briefly.

"I suppose that's true," Linos said, folding his hands in his lap idly. "Still, people have hidden sides and then they have hidden sides. Thinking about it, there were signs that Hamilcar might've been becoming disillusioned with our cause, but I never would have imagined in a thousand years that he'd be the mastermind behind something like this, especially when considering the level of premeditation that must have occurred." He shook his head. "Outside of family, I'm not sure I'll trust someone the same way ever again."

"You think that's what he was?" Rank asked, her eyes narrow. "The mastermind?"

"Well... Yes." Linos sighed, looking at her with a heavy frown. "Not to be overly blunt about it, but my alibi during miss Ic'Nal's vicious murder is probably the closest to foolproof, and Anna's directly helping in our escape. If there is another accomplice, then the only remaining candidates are from your class, and... Truthfully, I can't imagine anyone so young spearheading a plan such as this, let alone bringing Hamilcar on board."

"That's just an assumption," Ran said, her tone serious. "Without any clue to his fundamental motive, we can't consider anything out of the question."

"I agree," Kamrusepa said, with a severe nod. "Our priority should be absolute vigilance from this point forward. We shouldn't assume the guilty party was a mere helper for Hamilcar, and will simply resign just because we're all locked in a standoff here." She narrowed her eyes. "Were I them, I'd be too invested to drop the matter now, and would certainly try something. Perhaps something foolish, but something."

Absolute vigilance. What did that mean, exactly?

Obviously, the most straightforwardly 'logical' course of action would be for us to just sit in the circle and watch each other until it was time to leave. That would theoretically give the remaining culprit the least opportunity to potentially act. ...However, if you thought it for more than a few moments, then it clearly wasn't that simple. With the whole sanctuary turned against us, we still couldn't rule out an attack by something external, and any such event under those circumstances would be devastating, since we'd all be together in one place. There was also the question of where we would even sit. As things stood, it was possible to use the Power on the lower floor of the security center, and impossible on the upper floor. Both had their own advantages and disadvantages.

On the other hand, it we carefully guarded both entrances, we could offset that possibility - but would also give accomplice more opportunity to potentially try something in return. Not much opportunity, but...

Something I'd never really thought about until tonight was that being 'safe' as a concept had diminishing returns. Even in a dangerous situation, it wasn't hard to use a little thought and become more safe. But trying become completely safe felt increasingly impossible, especially when there was another human intellect actively working against you.

Linos nodded. "We've taken all due precautions. Anna has the lower floor warded, and I've set the defenses in here," he pointed to the refractor rifles mounted on the ceiling which I noted the previous day, "to fire disabling shots should anyone draw a weapon."

Kam frowned. "That seems like it could just as easily be used against us, if they play it right."

"Nothing we can do is foolproof," he admitted, echoing my thoughts. "But the more we discourage any potential accomplice to act, the more likely they'll be inclined to see the plan as a lost cause and abandon it. Though only so long as we're in here." He furrowed his brow. "We're I them, I'd bide my time and wait for when we have to make for the entrance. That'll be when we're most vulnerable."

Kam nodded furtively, her eyes wandering back towards the stairs.

For my part, my gaze kept turning back to Lilith and Mehit, who were happily (well, so much as any interaction with Lilith could be characterized as 'happy') chatting along about art. I squinted at the scene anxiously.

"Um," I said, lowering my voice as I took a step towards Linos, ushering Ran forward with me at the same time. "Sorry to ask, but... What happened with those two?" I tried to gesture subtly, in a way the two of them wouldn't pick up on. "Why is Mehit talking to Lilith like nothing happened?"

"Mm, I was rather wondering that myself," Kam said, her voice lowered slightly.

Linos hesitated, glancing at the pair. "To be honest with you, I'm not entirely sure either. Mrs Eshkalon awoke a few minutes before your return, and we tried to... Tell her about the situation, in case her memory was fuzzy." His lips tightened uncomfortably. "But she just kept asking to see her daughter. Then when she did..." He hesitated. "She asked if she was alright, then when she didn't respond, went through her things and took out the sketchbook. They've just been... Talking like this, since then."

I glanced towards them again, trying to be subtle.

"I love how you drew the little details on the balcony here," Mehit was continuing, apparently having moved on to another picture. "The little vines and the pattern on the stonework. It's almost like looking at a photograph."

"The sketch for that, that one-- It came out okay," Lilith said, mumbling the final part of the sentence. "But the coloring is off. The stone looks green."

"I don't think it looks green," Mehit objected.

"You're old," Lilith told her. "You don't look at things properly anymore."

My brow slowly wrinkled, and I turned back to the others.

"Perhaps the trauma of the event has led to Mehit being unable to process its ramifications," Kamrusepa suggested. "Or she is actively suppressing them to engage in some fantasy or normalcy. I've read about such things."

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.

"I think you're overcomplicating it," Ran said.

"What do you mean, 'overcomplicating it'?" Kamrusepa asked skeptically. "She tried to murder her. How can a wholesome scene like this--" she gestured with her hand, "--be anything but fantasy?

"Lili's still her kid," Ran said. "Try to think about it from her perspective. She's just found out her daughter's been indoctrinated into some creepy plot over her head, to the point she's willing to kill for it. She's not going to treat her like a monster, she's going to treat her like a victim. Try to work their way back to some comfortable common ground."

Kam lowered her voice to be even quieter. "But she's not her daughter. You heard the response that she gave. That 'Lilith' is nothing but a role."

"It's not that simple, even if she said so." Ran narrowed her eyes. "You're an arcanist, Kam. You should know this shit."

She clicked her tongue. "People always say as much, but I dare say it's rather presumptive. I don't personally know anyone who suffers from the condition. It's not exactly common."

The main way I'd become excellent at lying in a limited sense was via compartmentalization. I was terrible at keeping things off my face when I consciously thought of myself as being deceitful, but I'd learned to shift my mind into an alternative reality where some things simply were not true when they were inconvenient. "Well, you know Lilith," I pointed out.

Kam gave me an irritated look. "Don't be a pedant, Su. I obviously mean outside of the present situation, where the truth only came out a few hours ago."

"You're practically the biggest socialite in the university, Kam," Ran stated. "You probably know a ton of cases, and just haven't realized it."

She scoffed. "What makes you so certain? Are you a witch, Ran?"

"No," Ran replied flatly. "I was clean awake through my Induction."

Kam raised her eyebrows. "We're of a piece, then. I suppose you do come across as having a rather strong will." She shook her head lightly. "Regardless, my point is that, despite your assumption, I haven't the faintest what you're trying to get at. Lilith isn't Lilith. I know this affair is a spectrum disorder, but she told us that in the bluntest terms possible, and even forsook her usual affect." She leaned back in her chair a little. "I don't know about you, but I hold to the old saying: If someone tells you who they really are, believe them."

"I'm, uh, not sure that's the way that's supposed to be used..." I said.

"The truth, unpleasant as it may be to swallow," Kamrusepa continued, "is that 'Lilith', in every sense by which we can quantify personhood and personal identity, died years ago during her initiation ceremony. The person she's speaking to now isn't her daughter. As Zeno tastefully pointed out, she's probably not even a child."

Where was Zeno, anyway? I glanced over at the pile of boxes, and didn't notice any change from earlier other than the fact that it'd been moved a bit to sit closer to the console. How exactly had they been in contact?

Ran made an irritated grunt, rubbing her eyes. "Again, even if she said so, it's not that simple." She glanced - briefly - at the two of them herself, before snapping her gaze back towards Kam. "Listen to the way she's talking to her mom."

"I want to redo it later," Lilith was continuing, off to the side. "It was too bright and the streets were too busy and filled with noisy people. I couldn't think or look at things properly. It was very, very annoying."

"We could visit Irenca again, sometime," Mehit replied hopefully. "Your aunt's moved back to Mekhi now, but we could find a boarding house and go by ourselves in the summer. If that wouldn't bore you, and you could find time away from your studies."

"Visit again..." Lilith echoed, as if parsing the concept. "Maybe. I don't want to go in the summer, though. It was too damp. Everything too cramped together."

Mehit nodded. "I'd have to see about sorting it out with work, but maybe we could manage a holiday in the winter. That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

Lilith never really smiled, but she made a strange sort of anticipatory look that I'd come to understand as her way of showing approval.

Kam exhaled. "It's obviously an act," she said.

"Why?" Ran asked bluntly.

"She's trying to get her to lower her guard," she asserted. "I can see it now. They talk for a long while, then Mehit gets in another of her states and says something like, 'you can't keep my poor daughter tied up like this! Let her stand and visit the lavatory, at least!' And then before we know it, she's back to trying to fulfill her uncle's plans." She hesitated, glancing at Linos. "...come to think of it, is there a lavatory in here?"

He nodded. "A rather cramped one on the lower floor. People, uh, mistake it for a closet."

"Small blessings," Kam said dryly.

"Why would she do that when she already told us everything?" Ran asked her. "If she was capable of plotting this kind of shit, wouldn't she have tried something earlier?"

"Well, I'm sure she's in some manner of unstable state," Kamrusepa stated matter-of-factly. "She's probably not driven by entirely consistent and logical imperatives."

I sometimes wondered why Kam talked in the hyper-eloquent and overwrought way that she did, since she was from a small town in Rhunbard and it definitely wasn't a product of her upbringing. But then, Kamrusepa's relationship to social class and her own self-conception in general was probably a rabbit hole better not delved.

I wondered if I was thinking about this to disassociate from the current conversation.

"If you're willing to accept that much, then maybe you should take that idea and apply it to other parts of her state of mind," Ran said. "Maybe there's more going on then just a binary of 'she's lying' or 'she's telling the truth'. Maybe people can say stuff with meaning it, or maybe they can both mean it and not mean it at the same time. Maybe even outside of insane situations like this, who a person is and who people see each other as isn't as simple as boiling down juices into stock." She looked a little annoyed by the course of the conversation. "Obviously I don't know what's going on in her head, but the fact that Hamilcar managed to fuck with Lilith so much to begin with is proof enough she wasn't some clear-cut case of one person erasing another." She mumbled. "If 'clear-cut' is even possible."

What defined a person?

It was something I'd thought about so many times, I couldn't even begin to count the instances.

Of course, it was one of the oldest questions in philosophy, literally predating the domestication of the horse. There was no right answer, only what felt personally satisfying or comfortable. For some people, that led to religious or pseudo-religious concepts; a definition of the self that transcended the mundanely comprehensible, though in many traditions this did boil down to prescriptions grounded in the physical as well. Ancient Mekhian beliefs held that the essence of life was held in the heart, while the Principist tradition, being somewhat less ancient, associated it with the core of the human brain. Newer faith's tended to abstract the answer; that it was 'somewhere' in a metaphysical sense, but not tied to any particular quality beyond what 'vibed right' to the average person.

I'd never really accepted the concept of the soul; as Utsushikome, I'd had some vague belief in an immortal or spiritual selfhood, but grew out of it by my early teens. And my true self had been a cynic for as long as I remembered. So even before what had happened, I'd only been able to look at the issue from a scientific perspective.

If you broke it down, there were basically four components that determined who someone was: The body, the physical nature of the brain - encompassing both memories and characteristics of thought - the continuity of their minds, and finally identity. That is to say, the self-recognition of those three former components and the forging of them into a declaration of the self. 'This is my body. These are my experiences. This is the life I have lived. I am this person.'

When you thought about it enough, you realized that the first three were all essentially mutable. The body could be so easily changed by medicine or circumstance that arguably didn't even qualify for the list at all. The brain was less malleable without being destroyed outright, but still, people could suffer damage to it or choose to alter it chemically or surgically, losing memories and changing their characteristics; Induction also fell into this category. And depending on where your opinion landed in the complicated debate on what exactly defined 'unconsciousness', strict continuity of the self was broken either every night when you went to sleep, or when placed under anesthesia for surgery.

But people could go through any of those and still meet the fourth criteria. Like serpents, human beings are creatures that constantly shed parts of themselves; form, memory, traits. But still, they continue to shout 'I am' to the cosmos in spite of it all.

But if you can't do that much, even if you possess all of the other criteria, what are you? If there is no selfhood you can declare with sincerity?

What are you?